An old friend of mine is now a filmmaker. Nothing you would have seen- She makes small-scale, independent films and conducts workshops on finding visual inspiration (or something like it). I would know her anywhere, and when I watch her movies, it is always a little surprising to find that she isn't on the screen. You see, they are just so very her, so full of her personality that it's easy to think you're seeing S. even when she isn't physically there.
Another schoolmate stars in music videos and jewelry commercials. Though I've seen the ads and videos, I wouldn't recognize her unless you told me her name. Strangely, she looks exactly the same as she did in high school. Unlike the rest of us, who have changed in so many ways, she still looks fifteen.
As for myself, I still write. I'm still learning to dance. Only more wholly than before. The rest of the trappings of being grown-up- a home, credit cards, a car, 'responsibilities'- still seem so very ephemeral, like I am yet to grow into them.
And when the late afternoon light slants in, all things in life turn back into the ache of adolescence. Adulthood seems a strange interruption, these lives with professions and pretensions of responsibility. How unreal, to think of the girls we were turned into these people in the newspapers that we as children dreamed of becoming one day. A deep, searing nostalgia fills this moment- I am filled with a sense of loss even as all my senses chronicle our achievements.
In the lengthening shadows and warm light, the dreams of old feel as unreal as the future that is now.
4 comments:
How true! I am in such denial these days and in constant self-doubt about being able to actually face adulthood.
I think it helps to just not attempt to face it :). I have long given up on growing up/ getting used to things, it's simpler (and perhaps more pleasant) to face all the trappings with the mild surprise and accomplishment you would feel if you were asked to pull off such feats at age 10 :).
I like being an adult. I like the busy life. I do miss my childhood and hold on to it in my own clumsy way. Yet, at the end of the day I feel good about where I am. I don't know if I want to grow older I just am enjoying right now. :)
I like being an adult too, just that it sometimes feels like I am still getting used to it :)
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