Doing what you love, and making a living doing what you love, seem to be two entirely different things for me. I say I want to write, and I know I mean this.
But making a living out of writing requires that I prove my worth, show the world why I am demanding my dues.. and words are so personal to me. It feels like casting myself out on the high seas, like standing in front of an audience proving I have talent. But words are not my talent, they are just me. Asking to be employed for the words I use feels like declaring to the world- I have two feet and two hands! I deserve a job!
Asking to be employed for the words I use feels:
Like begging to be loved.
Scary. To be told that my words are no good feels like being told I am no good either.
Not like me. I am not an aggressive seller, I would rather stay in my corner and watch you than talk to you. Networking and job-hunting require me to become this facade I practice, actually be this person I pretend to be with strangers. The girl who practices conversations before casual dinners suddenly needs to be the person who actually can carry on that casual banter. But the person who writes is the girl in the corner, not the chatterbox with the fake smiles and hugs. How do I sell a person I can no longer be?
I say I want to write, but the "I" that wants to write needs to grow into an actual adult, an "I" who is capable of both writing and networking. Right now, being told to network or talk to someone makes me want to curl up under a rock and go to sleep.
3 comments:
Nice post Second sight !!
Strangely I can completely understand your state of mind here and I know that many have gone through this phase...
One thing, I can tell you is that it is only a matter of time that your words and your work will start speaking for you and then you wont need to maintain that facade.... It is only the initial ignition ballast which is required and once you cross that gravity field you will soon enter the orbit and be a self sufficient person who can afford to be just "you" and not some charade... Till, then hold on to the girl in the corner and make her feel wanted because she is the one who is dear to people... And trust me, ability has a way of shining through like sunlight through the dense foliage... :-)
I understand completely. I'm the same way. I feel like writing is so personal, because each word you lay down is like laying a piece of yourself for others to see. And especially for quiet people like me, it's hard to let others see those parts of you that you keep hidden.
You'll figure out a balance.
Suvasini has conveyed my thoughts aptly :)
And you who has taught me so many baby steps, should be confident of maintaining those facades to get what you want, for you know, you truly deserve it :)
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